passwords

getting to that point in my life where i might have more computer passwords than friends.

i'm moving this weekend and for some reason my heart swells and soars to think of it. "a room of one's own" maybe? like, something seems really clean about living alone and it excites me. lisa asked me whether i'd ever lived alone and i didn't think i had! there was about 3 weeks there in france that i lived by myself in montpellier, and i think that's been it. strange to think about it but when i think of that time i get that same feeling. of walking down the blazing cobblestoned street swinging a plastic bag from which arise the aromas of the makings of a french dinner; so nervous with the happenings of life that i might fall over; thinking about a night trip to the beach.

anyway so i'm excited about it all. and not to mention the practical advantages which bore me to death every time i repeat them. but also to ignore the sad and eventual consequences of living away from "everyone"...

doesn't it seem like fall stole by?

this weekend i bought so many things for myself; it felt disgusting and as if it were the beginning of my real life. by buying so many things i wanted to protect myself against wanting more and i think that it has obviously had the opposite effect.

fbc.

this post is so incoherent. but lately (as in the past few years) it's so hard to concentrate. what else recently?

feeling so ... where you are awkwardly chafing at the collar of your sweater. wanting to step out of myself.

jenn's birthday, breaking wine glasses, not lighting fires...

awwww...

i'm actually watching the movie carrington!

i've been thinking a lot about art today, so this is good.

today i came back from poughkeepsie with all my winter garb and came to manhattan then anand drove to brooklyn and chetan drove to princeton junction. and i don't know if we're the only ones who are totally boggled by that station's parking lot, but i don't even care.

friday was the huntsman alumni reunion and i was kind of sweaty and underdressed and rude to certain people before i even became so drunk that "they took the crosstown bus."

the difference is...

not that you can sum up the difference btw people in one quick pithy statement (although doing the crossword on my commute makes it seem more plausible) -

the difference between us is that you only like people you can feel sorry for. whereas the only people i dislike are those that i feel sorry for.

(there has to be a better way to phrase that...chiasmus? er?)

these days there's the small problem that i feel sorry for everybody.

who is the "you"? who knows. it could be you, it could be everybody...

let it be known/the waves

not the waves in the usual sense that i would be talking about the waves (if you can guess what that would be).

i'm talking about the waves of self loathing and self feeling okay about ... self.

this was my first week of work after four unstable but generally blissful and hardly ever desperate years of college, one amusingly brutal year of teaching english in a foreign country, and two weeks of orientation. which, i have to say were probably like my NSO like people say this is nish's freshman year of college.

but so anyway...i don't like my haircut either too much. tomoko cut my bangs soo short and i (too late) said "i don't know if this is too late, but could you keep them a little bit long?" she kind of laughed and left the outer edges of my bangs longer, which looks pretty stupid.

that had a huge impact on my first week of work.

huge!

oh and not having a car sucks too. but that will change, i hope...soon..."any day now"...