somehow somehow somehow my heart just stopped, listening to brandy's full moon...not that i ever imbued the song itself with any special significance. but clearly it's just to emphasize my leaving out any song associations below. SO too many, right? teehee...tiziano ferro comes very readily to mind. weezer and that dog. and also pines of rome, which is much lamer/cooler! oh, it doesn't ever stop! don't let it ever stop!

i'm trying to figure out now when full moon came out, and i think midsummer of last year makes the most sense. the reason it came up at all is because i downloaded the new spinner/radio@netscape thingie, and i've just been cruising around all night. i forgot how much time i used to waste, switching stations on this thing! and how i used to actually listen to music, and not just the same sophie ellis bextor singles again and again. one of the options is actually wdst which does it 100% for me!! i listened almost exclusively to 'dst during high school, while doing my homework, nights. so, it reminds me of sitting at my stolid white desk on april nights, listening to the crickets' creaky chirps, and the underside of my left hand blackened with pencil lead, and the buzz of my ridiculous lamp, and my feet planted firmly in some totally legitimate carpet. in a room of my own. with a door!

best battle: west side vs. east side
best taste association: green beans:school lunch
best smell association: cum:cum tree:ammonia
best unexpected sound: firecrackers at 4 am
best one-word threat: "gangs!"
best last words: "I won't be scandalous."

now i have a type of 'door' to my 'room'. after lots of fabric/ladder iterations i finally did what felt right and now that green indian tapestry is kind of slipshodly hanging from its thumbtack mooring on the door frame and is fastened on the other side with a rubber band to my wardrobe. it's not high enough, it's really inconvenient, and i haven't yet figured out how to lock a piece of fabric...but at least i'm doing my part to ensure my roommates can come down to breakfast mornings in an unruffled state of mind.

this must be the first time i'm not out due to being underage! but it's more like the fourth time that i'm not out because i was asleep when people were going out. me being underage is...frustrating, clearly, and even more so after my ID got confiscated in miami. i'm not sure whether i will ever do anything to get myself a new one, or just patiently sit at home until april '04. when i think about it in those terms, it seems like i should really get a new one! and a slightly more legit one than i had originally. in any case it's silly to be blaming my in-ness on age, because i've just woken up from being asleep ever since like, 4:30 in the afternoon. when i do something (only sleeping), i do it right (long enough to make it SICK!) and my room is so messy and stinky, i'm glad that i was afforded this chance to clean it out!

i can tell how busy i am in a week by what i've eaten. if it's exclusively peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and chinese food, i've been busy! and lazy!

so - waking up early on my own is one of my 'key selling assets', but all i do on these early sunday mornings is to make pancakes for me and my invisible friends or dogs, to keep opening and closing my outlook express, and to listen to new music (today, hot hot heat! unfortunately their whimsy and energy is really waning with each listen. first, though, i thought they were going to be my new the cure. how exciting would that be?!)

but new and sad developments. i tell the mexican wedgie joke to my interviewers. i break my discman (how?! omg!) the terrible ravages of spring allergies return. i am scared of tall people. we have no bike locks for our new bikes (this can be remedied). my diet is completely awry, and i hate the taste of chicken. there were two asian events yesterday, 'gospel jam' and 'fusion jam'. (i feel like asians are perhaps the least likely demographic to jam, so that was a pleasant surprise.) it takes me two days to read sixty pages of legal studies. i do really terribly on my mgmt 101 and lgst 216 midterms. i have no inkling of how to articulate what i feel about the hours.

all is not yet lost however. i'm gonna turn it up to 10!

ohh, and it's the end of spring break. after lots of sleeping and chicken, i feel almost ready to face locust walk, and the hordes of hot lil penn girls (velour pants? uo tees?) who will emerge tomorrow, given the lovely heart-warming weather. today really was fantastic: i slept for about 15 hours all told and then woke up, stretched, finished cooking my korean chicken stuff - and then won came over just in time to catch the ICE CREAM MAN! omg. what a feeling of pride welled up in my suburban soul to see our front yard, so fresh and clean in the warm spring air, while eating a vanilla cartwheel [yes, yes, diet, but whatever]. and all of our very interesting neighbors were venturing outside too, which was just a joy to behold. ahh!

and of course miami and orlando were lots of fun too...trying to think of specific cute details but missing lots, i'm sure. here are some 'gems': we saw the girls gone wild people on south beach, i got my fake ID brutally torn apart at the clevelander, we drove to orlando with a canadian named mike and a german named jens [?], and ... the spiderman ride was fantabulous. and disneyworld really does import all those norwegians/brits/moroccans to take part in the epcot all-embracing, all-equalizing, international funfest. mmm. and i got nice 'n tan. and fat. diet will be chicken, vegetables, oatmeal, and apples and yogurts for snacks. something like 8 glasses of water a day. also some exercise. this is going to suck and will fail. but i am halfway determined to find out what i look like, skinny.

god, it's so obvious, though, isn't it. going out always helps. get out, be friendly, act silly, feel slightly nauseous, and roll your eyes at the people around you. re-establish equilibrium. i love my friends!

things seemed to be going great as recently as two or three weeks ago - we were settling into our house and planning BYOJ and attending classes regularly. now everything, for me at least, is going awry. and as usual i'm going to blame it on myself, but i really don't want things to turn out this way, so i don't quite understand what i'm doing to make it happen, although being spoiled, demanding, and importunate has something to do with it; i know i go through these cycles of nasty behavior which aren't at all attractive and then i find myself sullen and abandoned at home on a saturday evening. but whatever. in any case, i forgot about this english paper that i have due on monday - only 6 to 8 pages, but i have no real sparks of inspiration yet, and no inclination to go about making some happen. and in terms of imminent spring break... people don't want to go to miami, only orlando, which doesn't appeal to me ever since losing my snuggle bear there when i was, like, five. i'm such a brat, but i really don't want to be nineteen years old and spring breaking in orlando and ruefully wondering if my bear will turn up. and boys...so important. so unimportant. jia accurately and quickly pinpointed two things that you CAN legitimately want for yourself, and which a relationship can furnish you with: companionship and trust. they're really important. exclusivity of affection as well, like andrew said. and mutual ardor, chez armand, can't hurt, either.

meanwhile, as i go a little deeper into this paper (Polly in Dubliners, Dewey Dell in As I Lay Dying) - i get this sweeping sad incertitude about english, too. this protozoan laziness in me which screams "just feel! don't analyze!" and just, you know, kinda shoot the shit about literature. but that is exactly what this class is purported to counteract. for us to be upright and forthright thinkers who staunch the currents of passive thinking and acceptance in these crazy, sense-ational times. but sleeeep. and sherbet...