ah. i'm so self-indulgent. notable things circa 2 AM to 8 PM today.

"i really don't want to see them right now. because they write me and all they can talk about is how much they're growing, and i just really don't want to hear that."
"right...all more abroad than thou".
"exactly. i don't want to hear them telling me how much better my life will be once i go abroad."

"because i agree with you, i think that lurie is very self-aware. but in this book, and lots of books, and other...stuff, that kind of acute introspection IS blindness. and i think that that contrasts with lucy's unbelievable blindness to herself, her willingness to pawn herself into a sociopolitical ...pawn."

not easy to post lately just because of new laxity and slowmoving tides of my mind. tonight we went to gojjo for dinner. i just ate some day old vanilla yogurt. i am going to lyon next fall but i do not know what i am doing this summer. i will get new glasses and a prescription for contacts tomorrow. i feel fat from all dem tibs. every girl in the world was sent a victoria's secret clearance catalog. tony was sent the j. crew catalog. i can't watch royal tenenbaums anymore. i could go for the english patient though! i have so many books to read. i have a million regressions to do. feeling so slow and not ... smart. i'm not on a level.

i spoke once with kate about the difference between the words 'curious' and 'inquisitive' for a college application (3 words that describe you). princeton?

of course she wanted words that sounded cherishable as well as smart, bright. curious. she chose curious because of the strong 'cur-'. curious is an aggressive word, it digs like a shovel. whereas inquisitive smacks of inquisition, inquiry, iniquity even? probably not. :^D

i don't know whether i'm a curious person. with certain people my curiosity is turned completely on, i want to take my fingers and scoop away at their facades and periphery. because i know that what they give most people is just that. but that they retain some small pinecone core of themselves. the difference between people who love to talk and give everyone everything that they possess with both hands. which is attractive for some i'm sure.

it's not the difference between shallow and deep exactly. nor easy and difficult. it's perfectly apparent though. and with some people my curiosity is just a wet towel drying on the radiator. indifferent and becoming more so.

it shouldn't matter how well you know the person. but it does. the arrogance of curiosity is that it imagines itself appeased. in which case it might not be curiosity at all. possibly then, just politeness. or the residuals of friendship.

and no, it's not listening to korean pop songs that evokes korea for me. or, i don't think it is. for such a long time, or until i totally mangled my discman, i listened to like magnetic fields disc 2 all the time. damn it was soo cheap! but yeah anyway walking to the bus stop (289-1!) in the smug heat in stupid clothes, stupid shoes, stupid broken ish walkman, bus card, hoping that i'd catch an early enough one that i could sit down and do my homework from the night before. i was almost always hot and sleepy in korea, usually intractably agreeable. it wasn't at all a waste of time, though at the time i was def'ly despairing of coming back in one piece...

meanwhile bag is lost and then found :^D :^D

what a confusion of events. that's all i have time to say for right now...

accounting exam is over. i feel as though i'm on the brink, though in fact i'm just out in the middle, sitting, hugging my knees, eyes wide, i love and i hate.