this page: no one is updating me [sniffle]. AIM profiles get more attention than i do...
(a bloggerbot production)

because this is of course a purely event recording tool, not a method of seduction or efficiency, after all: i wake up to a second turkey in the oven (whaaat), then woodbury with andrew and mrs. s(spoon!), scrabble and giggles and greasy dennys with lids limb lah (garlic mushroom swiss burger), this totally other night smell (really minty) as i hop out of another car and round/into the back of the house. for everything else, ask me to my face :^D

new pictures, you know where to go! here, that is

oh baby. do it to me like this. happy thanksgiving guys! things already on the agenda include ben folds (er), harry potter (sigh), no apricot ginger cake (see last year's thanksgiving circa-entries) and finance, stat, marketing. brrr. tonight was all hunger punctuated by food, merriment, and scorn style (indian buffet 2goodfellas baskin robbins phillydiner b-day part-day). so, so, so...full! and playing catch w/ marketing 396. i got my schedule. 9 - 6 mondays and wednesdays? hahahaha...or, rather...YES! [hi-fives]

i disciplined my bookshelves and books into a less chicken-little arrangement (not like EVERYthing has ever fallen on my head, but just 40% of things, and it hurts and makes me fear for bookspines) and...i cut nish's hair [whee!] into a funny acceptable hairshape. this is last night. and by this time on wednesday i think i'll be on a train, anxious and sweaty from having galumphed all the way to 30th street with the completely wrong shoes on and the right shoes dangling from my backpack, oy! also maybe a funny acceptable hairshape, the wrong ID to pick up my amtrak tickets...en route to see ben folds and the far matured autumnal tints of potown. otherwise i have no idea what is going on around me, quite. but sleep is the new status. i put v's speakers and subwoofer up and down and they're completely distracting and nice. i want to watch amelie before i stop wanting to watch it.

in the style of a 2000 sticker:
pinky pacts + high fives = determination! change of life! graduation!
boo + shortypie = er...shorty boo pie (forever! style) :^D

this dream i had last evening that i took my left eyeball out for some reason [something with my contact, i ostense] and then was like "fucckkkkk. optic nerve. blindness. this better be a dream" and it was, but i woke up to my 5 o'clock and a dark outside world and thought it was 5 am and that i would have a stroke then and there. for some reason. these DREAMS lately. maybe they have something to do with sleeping. in class. alllllwaaaays.

oh - curtis last friday, maybe, and so so so brainstoppingly impressive and good. kind of embarrassing, but it wasn't readily apparent to me until kind of recently, the exact difference between classical musical structural forms. and between students and music students and real people, also.

and yeah how every semester has an academic leitmotif or at least, all my classes deal with this one thing at least once, and then i start applying it to my LIFE and it gets pretty messy - at any rate this time it's the weighted average!

so simple. the funny part is that the analysis is like 2 paragraphs long. why? because i don't caaaarre and it's 70 degrees out! yay yay yay yayayayay

talking through the screen door
you kept twitching and so i turned
not so deliberately, bowed my head
and hoped you'd give chase, follow
me into the kitchen

"you're so vain
you probably think this song is about you"

now watching names fade to grey and thinking about the other shoe, not dropping. the nytimes headlines the day after an airplane crashes into suburban homes on a holiday monday. if we come to expect disaster...engendering vulnerability anyway...the correspondance of my obsession with intellectual communities with anand's IQ stipend, and how that wouldn't get either of us very far, probably :^P this cocoon feeling of 5:30 in the morning.

before i get started on tonight's particular marketing massacre, i will write a little. granted, i left this paper until just now, and i don't understand most of what i am about to model here. that's okay though. i will 'figure it out as i go along' as i woefully told my professor half an hour ago, as he visibly strained to leave his office hour. ahhhh okay. i'm still haunted by last night's dreams about accounting which went something like this: financial statements all over the bed. the numbers 113 and 5 in particular. the account - fixed assets. desperately trying to find the net of something. it not being a dream at all. until i realized it totally was. but then, couldn't go back to sleep. because i hadn't found the number! ugh. then more sleeping in stat. which i hate. because i still think i know what's going on. let's see. my cumulative exam grade for the semester is like...302 or something. that's for 5 classes. wait and then my 6th class sucks too. the marketing massacre? yeah.

hey i feel prepared for this [accounting] exam! not well-prepared like a boy scout. but at least well, prepared like a college student. also unprecedented: i'm so hungry. and i'm registered for (omg) 20th century british literature. i don't think i'll really stick with it though. because...well. here is my next semester's tentative schedule:

fnar 251 - printmaking!!!! stickers and t-shirts, my only loves...
accounting 102
finance 101
french for the professions I (some may recognize what a brave and doughty decision this class was...)
and yes,
english 061 - 20th century british literature.

what i wanted in an english class, however, was obviously this:

English 310.301
Literary Authority and the Holocaust
TR 12-1:30
Vicki Mahaffey
mahaffey@english.upenn.edu
This course will explore the slippage between the authority of an author over the reading process and other, more direct ways of exercising authority. We will investigate the extent to which modernist writers may have tried to engender a different model of reading, one that might have helped ordinary people resist Nazi authority. This "new" model of reading gives the reader much more responsibility in the reading process, and it insists that the reader be a more careful, flexible, and knowledgeable interpreter. We will begin by reading Primo Levi's *Survival at Auschwitz,* and we will go on to read *Ordinary Men* and Stanley Milgrim's *Obedience to Authority.* Once we have developed a model of maladaptive "reading" (or responding to authority) based on these works,we will turn to some of the most famously difficult modernist texts to see if these texts succeed in "retraining" readers. Our readings will include James Joyce's *Dubliners* and a sample of *Finnegans Wake*, Virginia Woolf's *The Waves,* poems by T.S. Eliot, H.D., and Ezra Pound, and selected works by Samuel Beckett.
-excerpt from the course which conflicts with the honors section fin 101.

taught by same prof, last year:
In this course we will focus on the "multiplied consciousness" of writers in the modern age, on the proliferation of voices in modern poetry and prose. Why did it become so important to see life from as many points of view as possible, and what effect does the assumption of a multiplied consciousness have on the concept of individual identity? Modern literature is often described as a dissolution of impressions, images, and sensations; why does Walter Pater link such a dissolution with "that strange, perpetual weaving and unweaving of ourselves"? What are the attitudes of these modern writers towards life, art, and religion, and to what extent are their attitudes representative of ours? We will read works by Eliot, Pound, James, Stevens, Beckett, Woolf, Joyce, and Faulkner. Requirements include an oral report, two papers, and a final examination.

i'm not trying to impress with my cut and paste skills. i'm just thinking, funny. in high school, my favorite teachers were those i never had. and that i probably should have had them. taken ms. ledet's english 11R as opposed to christine's 11H english, and ceramics with mondo, say. but that wasn't in my sigh[t]s back then. i don't know what kind of differences that would have made. but...? am i doing the same thing now? i wonder. academically. all. we. can. hope. for. is. a. satisficing. decision.

my new humidifier is plastic cupfuls of water on the heater. it is not lotion. but soon! today i felt like everything...

"life is full of surprises" = one of my cousin hansu's favorite american idioms. when things were going funnily in downtown seoul, we would just look at one another and say that in a very eagle-fm voice. "life is full of surprises." even if it weren't particular apropos we would start laughing. and so it is! i was pre-napping and thinking warm thoughts when doretta came in and before i knew it, i was playing basketball for the huntsman 5 on 5 :^P i even scored points! (2) but we lost. i even was doubleteamed by twin lisa freshmen! but we lost. now, though, in my new room configuration, which is not really L-shaped (i'm moving ooonnnn) but incorporates more of a nook element. and seemingly some space opened up, so i'm happy. i still need more things on my walls though. more big chunky things. less trivial stolen things. this is fairly indicative of my whole life, i think. but anyway. looking forward to a quiet and studious night. of course not! but i will have one anyway. rob called this afternoon having gotten a 100 on his chem exam. i have done so poorly on all of my midterms (okay, i wrote it). and now i will study, study, study...it will be so unglamorous, and so ivory tower, and maybe it will pay off. we none of us can make excuses anymore. where "we none of us" = me. i realized that i can't make an ADD-adjusted GPA. so i won't. because the feeling of complete terror and confusion and loss of part of my heart when i get these midterms back - i should feel it much earlier. like, a week prior to the exam itself, would be nice. teeheehee. the strokes single, last nite? those lyrics throw me into a ditch, i can't deny... :^P

line from anand's new oeuvre:
“I mean that I’m getting the feeling that you’re going to do something that’s at least unhealthy for you, and at worst a capital felony.”
“I’m not that stupid. I think you know that.”
stilted? hilarious? wait and see...

happy T+4 hour birthday, tony! more later. [grumblegrumble]. and more grumble.

to actually have a plan developing in my mind, that is unprecedented. but... not knowing quite how to talk anymore, i will just 'do it.'
*
yo cryptic whatever! not in the way i used to be cryptic. non sequiturs + chiasmus (omg manoj, love you!) + OCDetails disorder. i can't believe it but it's true. i don't like how i'm writing now because i recognize this style everywhere. you could make a font out of it and it is called apres-vie blog monotype. this, this is just too blank for me to do anything with and lately i make too many mistakes in typing, speaking, even the ostensibly error-free realm of my body language seems kinky taut wrong. not badly but apparently incomprehensibly. this past week, i sleep so much and wake up and walk around still wholly sleepy and delirious. when i finally ask questions they are the wrong questions and i'm left with a burnt mouth and hollow eyes and still alone with my questions. teehee...most tellingly, my CD player has this like dynasty of belle and sebastian tracks running through it. certain lyrics = me rendered happy and tolerant of situation, next bit of lyrics = wait what?! keeps me wary at least :^) sitting at my desk, the scene outside is sometimes sunny and sometimes it is dark. why is it too much to appreciate?

what i was talking before about was my schedule for next semester, in one part, and how i try to comport myself with certain people, for another part. and hopefully how those bits ['pieces' if you will :^P] ought to make sense together. to be sane, stoic, and a whole string of other adjectives that begin with the letter s. forril. and to watch more m/2 because it gives me this like inordinate obscene pleasure to like the next biggest cool shaggy ironic thing. [the s-trokes and to a faaar lesser extent shakira!] i'm so obsessed with these few sentences [haha, and b&s lyrics, sadly enough] which string through my head these days for lack of anything else. these, my new mantras. from my burnt mouth. oh my questions. maybe it is best to forget questions as a form of expression entirely. maybe it is best to forget self-expression entirely. kundera- self-negation as a form of self-expression. as if...it's back to silence again... ok? right? the smartass thing to say about flowers in the window is that they're outside. :^) and like, sometimes the limiting reagent is cold.

why? or why not. just as there are saturday mornings, sunday nights. can be the worst. wherever you are. nothing.

maybe i will update exclusively on saturday mornings. not that there is any clear-eyed clarity going on on saturday mornings the way i think about it, it's just a carryover of having slept well, listening to the ubiquitous sirens in the distance, the...whatever. saturday mornings. the accounting syllabus that's taped to my window. that kind of thing. my stomach hurts after a night of uncomfortably giddy transfer conversations. and eating and drinking too many weird things. and from watching it rain outside. that hasn't happened in forever, it seems like. in the ditch again. and on a saturday morning. i planned to sleep for almost forever but i felt really uncomfortable in my bed. vivid dreams, last night, i think. before lisa woke me up i was dreaming that we were at the diner again, listening to some of our old high school teachers talk at a table in front of us. and just now i had dreams like lucy in narnia, reading a delicious book [which was NOT probably the bible, in my case] but not remembering, now, what it was about or like. that it belonged in the ditch, though, sure. but i am awake. if i had a windowbox i would plant my heart inside and wait :^)

failing exams. unable to concentrate. trying to attain the new pensive look fall/winter 2002. i don't have anything else. but lisa's coming this weeekend :^P maybe i can be suaded out. "fuck the picture, take a look at these borders" [running finger around white edge of photo]