flushed with zoloft and we're coming around again (?)
today. today i had my interview with pepsi and i need to NOT forget that i referred to them as coke.

it could be worse - i could be pregnant!

okay. i realized last night that really - we're acting just like freshmen. the constant drinking, the messiness, the interfriend sexual passive/aggressiveness. i'm sitting here, freezing in my polarfleece pants and little white guess shirt, it's kind of early and we should all go out for luis' birthday, but who knows what will happen. recently i think i've lost interest in a lot of things that used to make me happy; it's consoling that this is one of the signs of depression, because at least i know it's kind of normal, because everyone's depressed (clearly!) like blogging for example, has lost interest perhaps inevitably, but also i don't think anyone really reads this with great interest or investigative fervor, just as no one really talks to me with same enthusiasm anymore. (this is so not true.) but i have felt really shitty lately, realizing that the boys i've been involved with for the past few days or years haven't really liked me. sure, they might have loved me 'as a person' or 'friend' and things built onto that (sometimes forcibly, because i'm a real tiger when it comes to getting what i want, emotionally). but i don't think that i've inspired any gutwrenching and bedtossing 'like' in boys lately - it's the saddest thing ever. it makes me wonder 'so hard' whether i don't have that special something that i can usually recognize in girls...that special sparkle. which has been alternately defined as confidence, dumbness, and ass-shaking by luis. i realize what a passive, biological approach i'm taking to all this, not to mention boring and self-pitying! teehee...but do i have to settle for less? hold out for more? it only makes it more pathetic that, like anand, i think, i'm so reluctant to go forth and to meet new people. i should really learn - i'm such a charming person to meet! and i like to read new books, at least!! books are like people...! but no...i don't want to go and make things so complicated. and yeah.

lisa and i drove to king of prussia today - god, what a huge mall! i bought a suit at benetton for my interviews next week, and then this totally trendy top at the limited to go with it. i really really want a summer job.

oh god, toni braxton...your voice is awesome and really a great motivation to do a good job with my finance homework. meanwhile. i remember that in 10th grade, there was a boy in our global studies class, named syed. he was muslim and one day - god help me but i do not remember what the name of this ritual was or why it is practiced - he showed us his back. which was covered with cut marks. not deep but long, lots of them crosshatched. i think it was as penance for his sins...and our teacher in his worthiness shuddered despite his intellectual curiosity, like we all did. syed had this really red badge of courage attitude towards it which i remember seemed very hollow to me. this weekend has been real educational, as i keep saying, and i feel so bad about myself and other people and excoriation and i want to go away or relive or in some way render myself less naive and hurt. and it's almost three o' clock and i haven't accomplished a thing today, despite the snow. oh, we held a focus group and watched joe millionaire. that was fun. and i baked more cupcakes, which came out much better and faster than the first ones. that was good, too.

finally downloaded beck's sea change album and i love this bubblecheeked delivery! it's snowing like crazy out here again - if only it were a monday afternoon instead. snow days in college are this insane deux ex machina, so much more so than they ever were in high school. i mean, in college, every day that you have to stir out of your house, you don't know what might befall you...this is so not the case in high school, where surprises and controversies are kind of limited to the school lunch menu. but that's the end of it. so, i bought this black hat yesterday, which is exactly the same as the three bucket-y, shapeless hats i've bought in succession (pink, green, pink/white/straw) but is winter-propriate! and exactly what i need, to make my black and white coat not look like a complete fraud and travesty with my pastelline hat. which gives me a headache to wear, anyway, it's so tight. :^P

about last night...or a few hours ago actually. i'm walking out over a cliff like wiley e. coyote, omg. you always think that words mean nothing, or that words ruin meaning, and now that i'm making a more 'scientific'/'englishtific' study of just that, words as prisms or filters or venetian blinds - it makes me doubt everything! words as masks, capes, and underwear over tights. just as i've always doubted everything - i still don't believe in taking tylenol for headaches, yet i have this unshakeable faith in vitamins. and computers. and jesus. but meanwhile i just don't know why i'm buffeted on all (two) sides by boys who want to be just...at least, i think that's what they want.

oh valentine's day. i have a stomachful of frosted cupcake and blueberries. we're all growing up so fast...i didn't mean to put all those songs on my playlist, but i think that since i always do that thing where i just select a chunk of songs from a particular time period, they just came up. it snowed again last night. i almost burnt my cupcakes by forgetting about them completely! good thing i mixed them wrong and they're supposed to bake for like 1.5 hours. my frosting came out scrumptiously. and argh...argh argh.

before i forget: i just woke up from a dream that we were at my house (but of course not really my house) on a late, damp, summer's night. we went outside on the porch at the same time that, two huge white jets cruised down my street, using it as a runway. perfectly silently and gleaming. they did a five point turn and then...

cutest things about our BYOJ bash and aftermath:
-the kinds of juice and such that everybody brought (and left...yum)!
-general personal interactions, like will's girlfriend genevieve trying to throttle joe re: politics stuff
-all this great music that got downloaded onto my computer, yeah!
-coats piled on my bed! i love that!
-me not remembering the latter, and most damning part of the night, when very good friends had to clean vomit out of my hair

what isn't happening? today i scratched up the wooden floors of my 'room' really badly, moving my futon from one side to another. i have no idea whether this is something i could get 'in trouble' for, but i think that the floors in the house are generally kinda scratched up, and maybe we can buy some finish and be martha for a day when it gets warmer so as to open the doors/not die of toxic fumes. my internet STILL doesn't work, and i still don't really have the time or patience to call toshiba or roadrunner, so that's just going to suck for a few days more/max. i had a huge scare yesterday due to someone's huge blind oversight, but it turned out to be a complete false alarm, while still completely threatening my concept of self and morality, obligations, good skin, stuff. the way i write these days is very monotone. and so, and so, and so...

these days i'm accoutred with all the best in telephone and discman technology and i still walk around with an overly echo-y and daydreaming head. and my cell phone ring, ring #7, is the kind of song that i always almost hear in the background. lisa b. and i are in really similar situations right now, and kind of hating it. at the same time we wonder whether this isn't what we really want - but clearly what we want most is...just to be happy. whereas i feel kind of sick and unhappy if i think about it too much, and poke my nose in my bulkpack again. today we learned about APV, sherlock holmes, and i slept through that other class. and i'm dropping the other one. picked a bad time to be in love...

BYOJ (bring your own juice) party very soon! probably friday. mmmm.