really angry and frustrated for just this one reason that i would love to expound upon. mme z-a. i should first have not even taken french in high school...what a crass and stupid language. i hate it. stupid france, french people, etc. secondly, she told me not to go to brown. as i surreptitiously read away msgs and profiles from friends at brown i realize it sounds WAY more intense and satisfying than penn. which i knew it would be. stupid high school "let's have no moral fibre" attitude. why did i even listen to her? i hated her! SO MUCH! and didn't respect her opinion! about anything! in fact i would rail at length against everything she espoused. well, my parents didn't want me to go to brown, either. having told their friends i was going to penn, i guess. but/boy i am resigned.

just imagine, though - i'd be in a shiny city atop a hill being anything to anyone...but instead i am frantically studying for fin101 aka macroeconomics. NOTE: i neither understand nor respect the field of economics. this entry may therefore be read as venting.

i don't like this feeling that anything/nothing can happen. and that i have no control. but it's okay. no matter where i go to school there are always the thoughts of 1) home and 2) world still looming afresh... :^D :^D :^?

the fact that i can no longer write at all is also disturbing and feeds back into my anger and frustration. SHIT i need to get out of this place. grr and more interestingly if you search my site for the word 'control' (see above) you'll get four more entries when i am in this exact mood. i am so pathetic. plus i feel SO fat.

some of the more insanely weird stuff that's happened in the last week, probably told all sorts of backwards...

a whole anvil's worth of food lands in my room for my birthday. one package marked 'meats and cheeses' and 'dry ice' inexplicable contains neither.

that whole acetone thing (see 8/23/2000! entry) totally worked. except, high pressure situation. on a pronto plate. but still needs to be finished. and i need ideas on how to make lanternlights. marthastewart completely aside of course.

i feel much better. and i am a bitch (most recently).

speaking of which, UPDATE, LISA! bitch! i realized that half of being happy is having a really cute profile. (thought you'd like that one).

NOT as sick anymore but still slightly congested, coughing, sorrowful lower back pains. but no more feverish dizziness and constant nasal drip. that is it! thanks to z-pak naproxen sudafed dr. bear.

being sick doesn't really make you realize anything except that health is the most important thing [hard to remember when you're healthy] and also like holy mackerel~ this is the beginning of finals! aahhh! :^D

other than that, not much. except to show who will help you and offer to fetch you things and arrange things, and who will blithely let you stew in your own sweaty sheets. though i'm sure i'm just being bitterbeardiva. honestly, such venomous thoughts had not occurred to me until just now.

dreamt about being in new york city and having no sense of direction at all.

so many birthday things yesterday! the previously noted muffins and scones, then dinner with boybrigade at buddakan, then MORE surprise cakeness all in keeping with huntsman tradition. and this AWESOME blouse from veronica...YAY i love my friends and feel so blessed. :^D ahhh.

but i'm sick and blogging ceaselessly because i have no energy to do anything to type. i woke up yesterday from these kind of welcome yet bizarre dreams - someone i used to know but not anymore wanted to be friends again. and it was all jubilant because...i want new friends! not that i need new friends [see above] but that i want more friends. more people to share and care about [muahahaha]. and tonite chinese a cappella and marrakesh. and tomorrow maybe studying with rob. who knows!...

something about belle and sebastian "century of elvis/fakers" which reminds me of riding the village bus back home in korea. i think i'd have been happier if my CDP had worked after the first week. something about this morning which makes me want to go back to sleep again but in some entirely different place.

a head shaving day? an ice shaving day. :^D and who knows what else...
*MUFFINS! YAY LISA AND DORETTA I LOVE YOU GUYS!*

good morning baby i hope i'm gonna make it through another day

bought new penn card because they can't be re-activated

if i remember correctly, this is vinay shah's birthday. and the day preluding lisa's birthday :^D
the above title represents the topic which has aroused the brunt of my ire today :^P
so incredibly parchy and hot and beautiful outside today, i have some lemon juice in my hair but am inside, at work, researching netflix and listening to 103.9 and 98.9 and oh the radio. so gorgeous though i CRAVE this iRiver gadget from amazon.com which is like...'lookit me i can play everything'. . instead. and this morning in printshop i slammed my thumb in the press, which was pretty painful. but i feel empowered by pain. so t'sall good.

found one penn card

concerned for my waffle cat's health...and i was coughing so much earlier tonight. perelman quad under the stars...great place to study :^P

penn cards lost this weekend: 2

haha, that was such a self-effacingly trite title, but true and yes i am a college statistic!

bring on the lightning! the thunder. nothing so exciting as heat lightning in the almost summer.

"let the tigers come with their claws."
"there are no tigers on my planet," the little prince corrected her gently.

and, something about when i put my hair in a head'band' that makes me look like a burgher from the low country. unfortunately.

today is the post-fling sunday. i had to wake up at 8:45 to go to my english professor's (chaim potok's daughter!...whoa...) house in beautiful lower merion. or narbeth. which was sunny, garden vegetable spreadable, yummy olives and dates...on and on. and now i know the secret to achieving orgasm. because it has to do with my paper (desire - the drive to transgressbodilyborders). GREAT!

mom was here for but a few fleeting moments. i wish and hope that one day we'll live in a city together because she never looks as complete and integral, organic as when she's walking down a city street. and yet i had the temerity to warn her against walking in west philly at night. hmmmph it is but filial piety i will insist.

hanseul also came and although i lost COMPLETELY the fling tickets i bought, hopefully we managed to have a decent time. by penn standards?

this is a fairly direct entry which i am down with. because it is almost the summer.

really sick tonight in all ways possible. carol's 2-month early birthday! and impending mom, hanseul, spring fling, english brunch presentation. i don't know. ever. not that i don't have confidence in myself but in my life. yesterday i downloaded like 20 songs off of my spinner songpad, mostly dinosaur jr. and modest mouse and playboyplaygirl stuffs. oh yeah, lost my wallet and pencil case aka key depository. all in all not a good week for possession and obsession :^)

my inability to study in my room is obvious, well-documented, and completely detrimental to everything in my life. i don't even ... look at new websites for the most part just aerate old material. eg, begging lisa tonight to update her weblog. whooo!

so a few things i should write down:

i feel reallly really fat, and i think i need to drink more water to feel less fat. like, i can't traverse short distances without dreaming of some promised land/couch/bed. what IS that?!

this is danah's livejournal ... erg will add to links page soon ... take the russian composer test! i'm igor stravinsky... >:^(

i might update the design on this site, i know i've been putting it off but i finally d/led some dreamweaver help. so, [ball starts rollin]...

aNOTHer depressing thing is - reading old entries and for the exact opposite reasons i think. for most of the beginning of the year i was struggling to convince myself that i could not be happy due to a variety of own faults and other people's nasty exploitation of said faults. and it comes through pretty well i think. maybe on a lunar schedule [mmm YOU know what i mean...outlaw :^D] but - what i realize now is that no one can protect me from myself.

therefore i can worry about my detachment, my continual doubt and denials and deaf ears all i want. but hopefully, just on the inside.

looking at old significant e-mails is always/sometimes so saddening. because 1) what a fragile, inexpressive medium (for most e-mails). so hollow and lacking in firm soulbracing eye contact, tentative smile etc! 2) ew, outlook express. ewwwww! 3) there was someone i used to e-mail these...ridiculous pathetic e-mails which were frantic and nonsensical, nonsequiturical and since that comprised about 40% of the communication i had with that person...[sad sad face] and what impact did that have on my life? i wonder.

make that 4 different people. 'man i suck.'

oh yeah so i'm going to be in DC for the summer. whoo! working here.

mm been rather a long time but not as long as SOME!! whatever, so sitting here under the influence of 1/2 of my allotted meds for the day. waiting and thrilling to the sight of the 5:40 sunlight coming from the...west! hey that's right. and there is on my desk 3 bottles of lotion, 2 glasses for OJ, one carton of OJ, cabaret crackers (really crisp and creamy no lie) and half a cello bridge, books on borders, ricola wrappers. quelle slobbery! i like the sight too of planes nonchalantly sidling across the sky on clear days. anyway so what. yesterday night was our recital and my critique, we went home for the weekend, and before that i really should have written so i'd know how to reflect upon it now. anyway. playing with dreamweaver but might take a nap. who the hell am i writing for, anyway?!?