i'm not sure whether my network administrator is on to me. they told me no more web programming or java! do they mean blogger? the soul trembles. at any rate, i guess the end of my era is near - i'll try paper for now.

the end of an era. it becomes more apparent every day. my head is falling off of my shoulders and my fingers prickle. i am so tired.

hmph. less sleepy today than usual [let's say it's the exercise this morning!] but still yawning and feeling like a squashed knob of clay. all residual and inert. and also, learning more things. mutual fund symbols end in 'x', and their phone numbers end in '3863' quite often. omg, get it?! 'FUND'! muahaha...happy birthday connie! and happy one day later than expected birthday dave!

just to test what's happening here.

the era of lists takes off again, many thanks to my planner which is so so suited for a listful lifestyle
habits i have taken to:

• biting my nails


• wearing eye makeup badly


• disagreeing for the hell of it


• quietly singing songs while walking from the bus stop to my door


• thinking that reading through my website would be drearily helpful and at least maybe i'd get out of this seasonal vicious cycle


• resenting the brashly fash shriek-laugh officemates behind me


• wondering, with vicky, where the days of being egregiously gregarious have gone


• and when people started using the word 'random' so much

because it is just a few things which seem to rule my life. being an aries. having big thighs [thanks suchee]. the regression to sad-eyed silence. the refusal to believe in cause and effect. and subsequently, lazy day dreamin'.

what i've learned since being here: vanguard has low expense ratios. mutual fund symbols end in 'x'. i've not listened to this much classical music in a long long time. i like to learn by doing. serve from left, clear from right? flaunt the green tea. wait until people are really, really done with their food.

wishlist item du jour: seersucker suit...

that terrible lab report headache. like so many (3?) before me it's time to stop bothering and start going outside alone again.

running myself ragged in seemingly seamless ways. last night i watched the sad tie between korea and the usa. now i'm confused about the word 'hiddink'...oh well. my left brain is feeling pretty bruised right now. and i'm tired. and i have to work monday through thursday this week. [shaking head]. when do i sleep? when do i eat vegetables? aw man...

mmmph...so i can't get enough of that raspberry cereal - c'est le meilleur! today i was actually dumped on to do stuff and i did it. and now i'm so sleepy...can't even describe how much i DO want to crawl under my desk and die/sleep. in other news, though, the cutest things happened yesterday! i ate a dole strawberry bar, instead of an ice cream sandwich. i found a bus which will take me straight from hibachi bros to home! and today i found the greatest pens, bic intensity (only based on like 3 hours use, so watch out). and scott totally gave his number to this girl who radiantly carried a cake onto the N4 bus. oh that was nice :^D now i will go get coffee with my co-worker josie. yay!

style sheets, fire drills, lack of initiative, and iced mocha stains on my work clothes. i feel this amazing fear creep over me from the back of my neck and encroaching on my arms and ears. i don't know where it comes from. the sensation that there is too much information in the world and that i can not become a knowledge mecha maybe. and that the world is not perfect and that even the bubble i create for myself will never be perfect. today the interns joined forces for lunch only to separate sadly at the end of the hour...

sitting here in the mornings, fearing stenographer's butt and carpal tunnel syndrome and dried out contacts. and other fears which i can probably never quite allay or slay or lay to rest. my diet is going totally awry because when i get home at night, it's like 11:30, and i can neither work out nor cook. then when i get up, it's like 7:40, and i can neither get up nor realize what is going on around me. usual result - PB sandwich and grapefruit for lunch. instead of lemongrass chicken salad in pita. but i had some great raspberry crunchy cereal today, etc. the issue of trust, or even faith. of course, not an intellectual exercise. and if you don't feel it, either, this heartquashing limbo of feeling un won over. when you ought to be. but i do love people who assume too much, when in fact it's just enough. because you are exactly alike. :^)