"goddamn you FOB girls
you do it to me every time
oh jay said you were bussing tables..."
whoa never mind! oh so like a few things are coming up.

• john nash, mr. ramsay (to the lighthouse) and relationships with wives. GO!


• "did you notice that girls when they come back from the korea are kind of like prettier?"
  "yo, really?!"

bard tonight: if you haven't been there, it's okay, because you can probably imagine it. bard is where your theory [doesn't everyone have this theory at least for 5 minutes] of the 25 prototypical 18-21 year olds floating around america is like exemplified and easy to observe. we saw...:
paul limb, 1 (but elongated)
lawrence wang, 1 (but foofier)
and like kids that you don't even really know, but they're there by the dozens. except for crazy sean/shawn. some people you just need to throw in a ditch. yo everready's not ready ever.

like ahhh [shaking head] so sleepy but like shrek sushi new paltz vassar 16 color vs. 16 million morning glory seinfeld saab park b-days forgotten and remembered and friendly hs staffers and ghosts and bikes and bathrooms and always put your car in park. and i figured out as well why i'm not going to be a success in life. i think i'm kind of too innocent. i'll never realize the success that i can envision for other people. generosity of imagination and paucity of ambition. oops. so it's all for the kids.

rereading books and such but starting tomorrow it's time to get down to business. clear-eyed joanne. goal-seek joanne! a seemingly endless poughkeepsie sunday night, kickstarted with sushi and wound down with cigarettes and red bull. you boys reeeligiously check that weezer site neh? hey! i can make a nice productive fortnight of my last two weeks in amerika and i think my goals are small and cutely packaged enough that i will. so here i go!

i hear all sorts of things, or have for the last four days whilst slaving at ho'sho. "you have to discipline the kids". that's not really funny, but okay. i say stuff like "we have a merlot", "sure thing!" and um like "ah, liquid dessert" [sake anyone?...doh] exhaustion. pain. fake smile. i have like soy sauce henna on my arms. but at the end of the night the parking lot air smells so xylem-y sweet, and i'm not working 12 hours tomorrow. and i'm not getting sexually harassed on a sunday, which is the most i can do for the big S.E. the first time i cut my hair it was 15% to stop all unwanted thai chef attax. that was two years ago.

i'm at home and the last blog didn't post so just trying to kickinto submission. i'm at HOME?! and life continued at the same pace just with much fewer people and far more parents. i just woke up and i'm like sore all over, it's cold out, my right eye hurts. won left yesterday and is probably airborne right now, hopefully asleep after the boring all-american weekend ;^) but no more surprises in our venn diagram :^( ahh...i'm so tired, i have cuts all over. watching BET of course and can't really reflect on anything. just hoping i didn't leave too much stuff at school [ooops] and that grades won't kiln me. and hoping that i was really awake for the last two weeks...that i knew what was really going on. when reading days hit everything went into anger and sullen whiplash mode for me and i couldn't see properly [not counting the eye infection]. not like i've ever been able to look in mirrors. so yuck. it's beautiful and green outside [still seeing through californian eyes]. certain things have been occurring to me all day but not the kind of thing that can be strung together in words. just a feeling that i could have cared more and the fear at why i didn't. nothing new about it except the speed.

one of the best feelings is overcoming extreme exhaustion and bewilderment by merit of going back home, or at least to the brightly lit dorm on the corner. tonight we celebrated the end of all things by going to manayunk again, actually painting pottery (a sushi plate and a light switch plate...i'm so psyched!) and then hibachi! of all things to all people. i'm actually really tired and intolerant right now, but at least going home maybe with a poughkeepsie brigade. i'll see some of you soon :^)

oh displeasure. some days do come nicely giftwrapped in agony and the fulsome ribbon on top is my self-control...blade curled into obedience and ready for the trashing of a lifetime. i don't know what i ate today. i talked alternately way, way too much and not even close to enough. and then i'm sitting here, doing my paper for my decision-making class. doing...based on junior year english joanne. i was looking forward to writing this paper but apparently, not enough that i remembered it was ever due. i haven't read a book in a long time so this is koshe.

"All of Frank's external conflicts illuminate his internal plight: that "this part of my life may someday be...hard to remember with precision, and that sometimes I feel beyond affection's grasp" (171). That he fully admits his detachment, to himself and to others, clearly exposes his character, at least on the surface. The difference between his perception of himself and others' perception of him is that he knows that this is only a phase. For after the climax of Independence Day, when his troubled son Paul is seriously injured, both Ann and Sally detect the change, or emergence, of Frank's persona as one very much capable of emotional involvement. The dynamism of Frank's character lies in his emergence from an emotional seclusion."

teehee...compare this, if you will [i just found this] to notes i took in the class.

"jusqu'e system prout beter a peu system then one, fish youth. how society is changed by individuals who change themself? those who great regimes (oeiu) rule. organic farming. la pol la solidarite."

um. ;^) at least there's that. ...oh, self-control. i'm not myself in the same way as i'm usually not myself. the seasonal way of nyssma and APs ici traduit into everything. like...i watched rushmore twice this week. i might've had an original thought sometime this month but no. i ruin everything capriciously and with my eyes closed and then i wait for summer magic to enter the heart of darkness. it's really very dark. but summers, i can't even trust anymore. [shock fade to green leaves].
* but maybe i can deserve one :^P

i think the dow is rising, according to the nyt picture, but i have such little confidence in my intelligence right now that i can't definitive about it. the dow is up, the dow is down. whatever. hot hot days and mostly indoors, hot hot nights and all indoors. i cleaned up a little yesterday but entropy and apathy shake hands and quickly get back to work. like when my magnet said "further streamline lifestyle" i don't think i knew what i really meant. it definitely seemed to mean less possessions to use as a shield and maybe less opinion. less mess, less babble. ecclesiastes again [the bible should be mounted on a pole and spun around for greater cyclic revelation]. now i don't know. what else do i base anything on but my mess and my babble? a drought of long significant glances or adventures which should follow. la squale = the outsider. not squalor or squall ;^) but i wanted to watch a movie about squalor. just so i'd know, and so i'd be less of everything i'm right now. i lost a contact. check out this picture of me though. from far enough away i still look like this.
* * *
just like an addendum, you know? i'm hopped up on vivarin which is like so sad [just so all you eye-high-rollers will stop] it's terrible for studying. and like what did i do today? all over campus with lisa, trying to study and then we ended up in manayunk. realized i'm a huge disappointment to parents. my expected value was probably fairly high. ate some pho grazie aux garcons. the vivarin an hour ago. touched my eye after touching pepper and i'm crying. but yeah, emoting :^)
* * *
and by the way, manoj is so drunk right now and he wanted me to mention that i went to princeton on monday and it was a brilliant suggestion.

one of those names that girls have that used to have shaved hair but it's grown out to chin length with bangs and it's light auburn and they're wearing a shrunken hoodie and they cut your hair in downtown philadelphia: lindsay? valerie? she also uses her hair in times of great trauma or meaning so it was good that we met each other. meanwhile also last night, cibo matto! aand peaches and gonzales. i was tired. and peaches and gonzales definitely made me want to worship jesus, study harder, and go home. but then yuka miho and peggy came onstage and everything was FOB-by and nice.
"we luv philly especially the south street and especially right here! we girls did some of shopping and the boys did...um eating yes?"
"hey yuka...i feel a little heavy from cheese-steak."
"mmm, did you get it weeth?"
"yeah i don't know what is that really cheese?"
everyone in the crowd has this look on their face like rapturously inhaling the japanimation onstage. i almost wished rivers cuomo was there so he'd be like "oh right" and things would start drifting back. i just realized the more i'm listening to music the less i'm probably talking to people. [head bashes onto desk] french is officially crossed off on my list of things to do or fail. soon, instead, i will eradicate all traces of the french language from the globe so i don't have this problem again.

'enough talking, enough of this contretemps...'
* * *
i know soo much about architecture, i am a colander filled with the strawberries of carolingian to romanesque to gothic to mannerist to baroque to picturesque. i think. :^P meanwhile though as always treading water and maybe haircut tomorrow at american mortals. then like...french rewrite and redemption. then like...crunches or something. the better person shall emerge! though not perhaps in poughkeepsie, which is where the fabulous subterranean tunnel usually leads.