oh god not the financials

for some reason i've been enlisted to do the household ledger. i'm probably the worst finance concentrator extant and i can't even do the bill at restaurants, but here i am, sitting in front of an excel spreadsheet.

why was i in a terrible mood today? first of all, it might've had something to do with my filthiness. my hair was so greasy today and i had nary a hair thing to hide my shame away. and my status as an "alternative" intern becomes more and more clear. honestly i have been a "mainstream" person at some point, the kind who is all kinds of sought for, etc. oh well. plus i made muchos mistakes today, from poor proofing of contract to just my usual verbal awkwardness. i'm really not that conscious most of the workday, in fact. and i'm certainly not conscious most of the restnight either. funny thing...

today hanseul sent me something special in the mail which i'll test out this weekend in some secluded spot :^D we rehearsed after work in our living room with a hiphop musician who is going to have us play at rittenhouse square this coming wednesday! it sounds like a lot of fun. tomorrow i'm going to get my hair cut. my bangs especially! perhaps that will help my bleeding heart. more likely i will become less of an IDIOT because i don't look like one. as one of my bosses yesterday said, "160over90 helped me feel like less of an idiot..." i'm just bidin my time.

i just decorated the house's primary bathroom unilaterally

come see it sometime! yes, i get really bored these hot summer nights. but after eating a bag o' salad and raspberry sherbet, then retreating to my room, i FOUND my sticky tak, and went crazy on all flat satin finish surfaces i could find. and also lysol wiped my CLOSET and ROOM DOORS which were perfectly filthy but not with dirt, with dirty dust. and took off the tapestry-cum-sheet from my bed. it needs washing [ahem]. and replaced it with my comforter, which makes it look cuter and i'll sleep above the comforter and it'll be comforting. and then i did the bathroom with tearouts from nylon and self magazine...they're supposed to be all inspirational and image-related. well duh, magazines, but anyway. yesterday night two special people reminded me that other people can know me better than i know myself, and more to the point, have no qualms about outsmarting me left and right!

yes yes yes
effervescently meaningless

the worst part is...

seeing my face in a mirror while i'm talking. i hate my smile; and though it's true that every one has the platonic ur-image of how their face should look (as they stand in the watery light of morning, staring into their mirror all alone), mine REALLY IS HOW i should look all the time. serious/pensive and no stupid smile! there was a smile that i liked and was using for awhile when people took pictures of me, but i forget how it goes and besides, i think it was when i was genuinely happy.

speaking of happy. lately, for no reason that is reasonable or excusable, i feel guilt-racked whenever i think about that one particular thing that i ought to feel guilt-racked for. it is, as i said, that special time of the summer: the weather is torrid; i squint and sweat outside and when i'm inside i feel lonely. i don't know how many summers i'll have to associate with the scene of me, lying on a couch in d.c., crying my eyes out. and it's something i know i shouldn't regret, although i won't get over for a long time. something which, i guess, turned out "for the best" - but as we said the other day, it's foolish to live hypothetically. and yet the part of me which is so prone to doing that and imagining the what-ifs against my better judgment, just wishes whole-heartedly that nothing had ever changed. because in some ways, nothing has, or ever could. and in other ways, i was reckless in a way that i didn't think could hurt someone else. in that pitiful cry for help i hate, "why does everyone take me so seriously?"

this from the novel that i "tore up", my junior year of high school.
He heard her out in stillness, watching her face but not moving. Then he only said: "I'll marry you, mind you, in an hour."
"As we were?"
"As we were."
But she turned to the door, and her headshake was now the end. "We shall never be again as we were!"

at the same time, it definitely takes 2 4 sure. and for every ounce that i feel stricken...

but slowly, slowly!

i'm sitting at my ikea goliat desk, with my feet up against the back panel. my back hurts something turrible from all that sitting and loafin i been doin. yo la tengo winter a-go-go is on my computer radio. thinking about the my morning jacket show which is coming up in september and who/how fun it will be! it's really insane to think that this time last year, i was finishing up my summer job in dc, putting myself and other people through lots of stupid drama, and about to embark on my semester abroooad. which brings me to how nostalgic i am for france; awhile ago it was lyon and more recently it is montpellier all the way. i still have a few things which actively remind me of france, like my face wash. and my bottle of perfume, which isn't intrinsically french but is actually called 'chic'. and the bridge(s) across the river(s) on a sunny day...

tonight we played at the italian restaurant and it was really really so-so for a bunch of reasons. this afternoon i disappointed one supervisor but impressed another supervisor. today, two people reminded me of how i used to be, and how i'm not now, and how i'm glad i've changed. [gloat!] when i'm tired like this i can't write. i've been tired for a long time, then, it would seem like, because i have no sense of when i should anything with writing anymore. the proposal that i was working on at work, frustrated me because i never stepped far back enough from it to be able to really proof it or experience it from a reader's point of view. coming after i think the rejection of my company's other proposal i'm not really optimistic about its being accepted, although i do think i'd be really excited if we did get it. i appreciated being able to work on it mostly by myself and knowing that i could do it, mostly without mishap.

what gets me these days: feeling really foggy-headed most of the time, except when i'm actively thinking about something, like writing or proofing something. and not having time to eat right/exercise but seemingly enough time to loll around in bed or shop. where have the summersales of yore gone? just kidding. i bought three tops from urbn today [slut!] because i had it in my head that i was topless. also, i'm really dissatisfied by the feng shui and messiness of my room. something about it makes it look really intolerably clothes/paper strewn even when it's not. what i'm probably struggling with most now is emulating the people i love and respect and not those i hate and hate again. it sounds easy but it's very difficult, especially with certain people. which just makes you reflect again on who you are etc. i really don't know what i'm talking about, but i'm sure i'll remember once i read this over.

ainsi soit dit

today i bought a new toothbrush. losing toothbrushes may be a blessing in disguise (anne of green gables, begone!) because when i'm looking for toothbrushes or retainers or quarters or compact or lip balm...i do turn the room upside down (everything short of airing out the straw ticking) trying to look for it. it's a regular roomwide scavenger hunt it is...my new air conditioned room is still less decorated than i like in a room, but i have many pressing commitments. for example. we're (sonance music) playing at an italian restaurant in south philly tomorrow, which is super-exciting...

sweet sweet title field

but still online lonely [looking around] that's fine :^D my lips are chapped because of my air conditioning, my hair is soft because i'm sweaty. [glare]. today we're going to the jersey shore. yesterday we scored a gig at a restaurant but it remains to be seen whether we will be able to do it due to our travel plans for august. i've been really sleepy at night lately. it really sucks and i wish it would stop, because it makes me really immature and impatient. people keep carding at the places we go to, so i really i hope i get an ID somehow soon! i've got lots of laundry to do. tantalizing topics at dinner last night at lisa's...errr too many. the crazy nature of private schools. why miniature = cute. boy, am i groggy. i think i slept at 4. i just woke up from a dream where i was at i think my high school graduation, and not only did this dude (a chaperone? a counselor?) start making out with me while we were sitting in alphabetical order, waiting, i also missed my name being called! it was a pretty honest dream in that i was a real bitch to everyone i feel very conflicted about. and when i say honest, i mean petty and immature.

off we go!

today alexis and i disputed our pgw bill in style. in case i haven't unleashed my ire against pgw before, i'll just say that they're so terrible and that it seems like it should be illegal for a utilities company to be as inefficient and nasty as they are. but anyway. unfortunately, disputing the bill meant that i had to kind of take off from work, which really sucked. i'm feeling badly about changing my schedule so much, etc etc., and considering the future...i'm not sure whether they're going to hire any interns after the summer. and not that i'd be the #1 draft pick, but even though it's very informal etc., i should try to be more professional about things, i think. so anyway, the weird one-finger typing man FINALLY settled our bill (though knowing pgw, i'm sure that it'll never get here or he'll change his mind or they'll blow up our house in exchange) so i was at least happy about that. now i'm home, hot, air conditioner-less - but that should change soon.

and the citre shine is amazing. it made my hair feel silky anyway! for REAL! haven't worn any hats yet though. and just gorged myself on pasta. tomorrow i swear...swimming or gym.

so this blog! it's been a really long time since i've written because we only just got our internet access working a week ago. after class finished, after won came, after i cut my bangs stupidly, etc etc. i just even got back from dc for the fourth of july, which was a great time. i hung out with hanseul, natalia, and jihae, doing some very dc things (fireworks on the mall) and some very hanseul and joanne things (watching chickflick after chickflick). and shopping too of course. sitting in my backpack (i haven't even unpacked yet!) are two new red-based hats (one pink summer hat, one herringbone winter hat), new cropped jeans, citre shine (not that real silky stuff that hanseul had) and two gold makeup things. and i also received in the mail an mp3 player (enough memory?...not sure but probably too lazy to amend) and the 2nd round revisions of my j. crew swimsuit (buying swimsuits, however, is an ever perfectible process). and now i'm actually sitting in my swimsuit, still unpacked, with my faulty a/c to the back and an angry mom in poughkeepsie. i'm hungry. and i'm going to try to remember more things later that have happened recently...