because i'm worth it

lately i feel like i've been grumpy because of fatness, loss and most importantly, lack of opportunity to define myself. b/c contrary to any prior kundera-y stances i may have held, i think i'm headed back to being happiest when blithely and uncontradictorily pathetic, materialistic, and shallow.

(define myself = buy or covet things --> pathetic, materialistic, and shallow.)

just in case you were wondering.

did i mention that living in princeton suddenly seemed not so bad when i thought about all the yuppie suburban retail there? now i'm on the fence again. [sigh] after 21 years of making wrong decisions, will i make yet another one when i go back to the states and finally settle into my first post-college living situation?

wrong decisions: i remember when trying to decide whether to work at citi, ZS, or to do fulbright, an MBA mentor of mine told me i should make a list of pros and cons, weigh them according to my priorities, and allot points to each option. conjoint analysis never fails eh? if i were a little bit fresher out of school i'd be able to rattle off the times where it DOES (ooh. one is where the qualities of the object are undefinable or unmeasurable) and that was probably one of them, but NONETHELESS let me tell you what i came up with. 1st = citi, 2nd = zs, 3rd = fulbright.

so why am i here right now? good question. 8 months of teaching, drama, and shaking my head at korean people later, i can't really tell you what was going through my little head when i signed up for this. i wish i could say that it was a "gut decision"; "challenging but rewarding", etc. i wish it had been the cliched right decision for me. sometimes i feel like it is the opposite of character-building. with every new challenge i seem to quail and fail and shrink to an even smaller size. i've got 4 months left, and i hope i'm feeling a little bit more optimistic about it when i finally leave. i was certainly more positive about it during winter break, albeit in a highly cliched and complacent way. "let's try to work back to THAT place," i tell myself sternly...and i know i will soon. especially now that the weather's getting so nice!

if i'd worked for citi i wouldn't have to deal with so many things that are weighing me down right now ... for starters, my school, my homestay, this country, and worrying about where to live in august. then again, i might hate my job like all my friends seem to. (but be living in NY?) at least i KNOW ZS will be great, and i'm so glad i am working there. i really wish i could have similar conviction about the other decisions i've made/will make in my life, although it's true i do manage to turn things around for myself a healthy proportion of the time. whatever else, i will always have my friends and family :^)

originally this post was going to be a sorry excuse for a list (remember - me complaining about lack of opportunities to define myself?) but now i feel better just having written. let's just make a list though for old time's sake. to remind myself of what is going on in my life right now.

things i'd like to accomplish before i leave korea

1. be healthier (that's so pathetic, i know, but honest)
2. "smile all the time"
3. really try to grow up. so often i feel like i'm making the same mistakes just because it's easy
4. help my students more by being a great teacher that doesn't always have to be paranoid about how great next year's ETA is going to be
5. actually study for the GMATs so i can knock that off my list before i start working
6. hang out with my grandfather and cousins

a few things i want now (in the spirit of these modern times ... lucky magazine and online wishlists and bridal registries)

1. this makeup bag
2. this workout that i'd probably never/always do
3. this book which finally came out and why didn't i order it along with my GMAT book
4. these shoes. i really love these shoes.
   

clothes i have lost

today i was looking at my friendster pictures and i remembered that i totally own this pair of skinny jeans from miss sixty. point being that i have recently been looking for a pair of skinny jeans that are exactly like those jeans. but i thought maybe i've lost them. i really don't know where they are ... if at home i don't remember seeing them over winter break.

that brings me to the topic of clothes i have lost and how devastating it can be because you only really lose the things you like to wear, no? and like, it's sad that i own "so many clothes" (but clearly not that many) that i could just forget about those jeans. i bought them in paris for thirty bucks; they were too long for me so i hacked off the bottoms. i wore them to my surprise birthday party junior year! and so i'm like so determined to divest my closets of all extraneous clothes so as to completely circumvent the future loss of loved clothes. noble, noble cause.

clothes i have lost that i am aware of losing, and that were very important to me:

1. the whole suitcase full of camel hair coats, grey "there's" hooded coats, black fcuk concert skirts, and anthropologie halter dresses during move-out of HRN sophomore year. all my finest pieces crammed into one green suitcase and unceremoniously abandoned on a hot may morning. dumb, dumb, dumb. and now "there's" is all corporate and overpriced.
2. my pink raincoat when i was in kindergarten; probably my favorite article of clothing ever
3. um, maybe the miss sixty jeans. in the tone of luke skywalker frustrated at C-3PO: "where could they BE?"
4. this fitted grey hoodie from urban outfitters which i wore whenever possible the first two years of college...the "ultimate layering piece" if you will
5. my nike yoga pants, this summer, in chuncheon
6. my teal tank top, ditto
7. and there's more, but maybe this will be a post that i continuously edit for like 5 more years. i have time.

i should mention "rel" quick that i hate my school for ignoring my opinions and generally treating me like a child. from now on, in the words of duncan, i will be aloof. cordial, but aloof. i'm outta here in 18 weeks or so...i think i can make it.

sometimes...

i'm fueled by an outrageous amount of self-loathing. right now might be one of those times, and for some reason it was set off by listening to veruca salt's seether. which i was listening to because it is on somebody's 90s flashback mix on iTunes. so great. so glad someone made this!