andriu! i tried to call you.
but i got the wrong number.
is this how it is fated to be?

let's see. it's cold out and veronica and kenny and i were walking around penn like alll around to different frats, then houses, then ...i was like 'okay, home' so this is where i am. david's at a lambda party...probably i guess we won't make brownies tonite [again] although the risk of thievery is far diminished at least. maybe we can have a sunday evening tea party. cake party. my lungs are totally smoked out thank god. it makes me feel old and cold, withered on the inside. which is at least a good place to rebound off of. mmm. oh yeah! so, to ride on the tails of other chamber music stuff that happened recently we went to a performance of the brentano quartet at the kimmel center last night. wow, it was so great...the first violinist alternately 'too much' or 'amazing' according to the reports. then dave yang and daniela took us backstage (with eliana!) which was all white cinderblocked, bumpy and awkward and stradivarius style. and now it's tonight. i'm looking at my reflection in the window which is front of my desk. words to characterize my face...blank. long :^D it doesn't look like a face of this time period. maybe a time when people's faces looked different. mona lisa-esque but hardly as inscrutable. my hair is getting kind of long for short hair...let's see.

also. i was just thinking...about what ann accuses frank of in independence day in terms of his not putting her in his work. "no athletic, strong-jawed women of dutch extraction saying devastatingly clever things". and then caravaggio in the english patient talking about fucking yourself into a corner. somehow those seem very related to me.

well, whatever. tonight jayon, veronica and i 'catered' the cassatt quartet's recital. the punchline all throughout preparing it and foisting it down to amado was that 'haha it would be funny if the music dep't had a reception already.' but we assumed not, because as we have been told so often and so bruisingly there is no money for such tomfoolery and crudité. so. of course there WAS a reception planned in the music building. and then we 'folded' our reception into theirs only to find 5 small paper bowls of barsnacks, some pintbottles of water and two bottles of acidic wine. and all these old people, with crazy hair, sha na na.

and now my eighth grade fears and dreams are confirmed. i take this pleasure in domestic work (despite oaths to the contrary). a cinderella complex for sure. cutting fruits and vegetables [assuming a first state of cleanliness and loneliness]...ahhh bliss. and even seeing grime and hair wipe away from our bathroom sink. maybe i can destine myself to a life of workers' hands.

one more thing although there is plenty else buzzing 'round my brain tonight i think. oh word we went on this awesome field trip today! gosh...
but the thing was - irritability. i could or should time these fits of temper and scowlies and generally an insouciant abandon of politeness to everyone except strangers (to whom, oddly, i overcompensate with the many smiles of my making). why is this? i don't know.

so like, comments are supposed to be up, but aren't. what's worse, now that i'm using opera for some stupid pointless reason, blogger won't work. generally a disappointing blogxperience because my post field is like two lines tall and 6 words long. what is going on here?! anyway. i'm tired out and this post was clearly a waste of time. yeah!

more importantly, i do not feel good.

chang chang changity chang zoobop (or someting) or, notes for living
the difference between 'california' and the 'east coast' is - old territory. :^D as in, the territory of the great gatsby or something.
a) 'california'
b) 'east coast'
1) the yearnings for something beyond apparent perfection
2) the resignment to what is already diminishing and...? (life)
(also the colors are quite different? buk buk...)

what girls like to hear: "oh she is waay too skinny." that thing where the eyelashes grow into the eye, that is true = trichiasis. so, it's completely legit. so much for my cynicism >:^( how sad.
"how come i don't have this disease?!"
[mother kicks me in shin]

ahem yes...i dreamt last night that my hyacinths revived under the diligent ministrations of sunlight and very sparing waterings. does my hair look better up or down?

ack my mind is like the trash compactor in star wars. all like...improbable, murky, and besieged with ACCOUNTING DATA! i'm kind of itchy, our toilet clogged today, i found my keys and um...necklace. and there are these huge stacks of books on my desks. i like.

impatience is my big problem (one of them). the cause of insane headaches all throughout high school on lab days. along with my disbelief in cause and effect and precision. if it's not meant to be, forget it. clean up and let's go home. this is coming back to my previous entry. because what i live for is serendipity, which you can't wait for. which is bestowed upon you. so if you insult me with so much as a blink i've already dropped you. if you bore me for as long as a minute i'm already far far away. it's callous and immature i know. but i drive it deeper into myself every time. impatience, the lack of decency. or restraint. i know this in myself and sometimes i find myself speaking already from those places. far away and looming above. already with head in the clouds, trying to move on. and then i get stricken by guilt. "what happens if one is not nice to the young man..." which is not quite the same. but echoing residual of my life always. cloying and immature.

i feel (just now) like a sieve. because...i only hold what is significant in my arms. and the subtleties around me drain away. and the people that i love drain away... i always played subtleties because i never saw the value of the sweeping, the brash. but slowly maybe i have to remember to be grateful. sweepingly and brashly so - for everything i drop or run from. i have to try... :^)

the hardest book i've ever read (as had zeve): the god of small things.
the omg fantabulous book/series i just remembered about just now...cheese party at swarthmore sometime last year: ooh la la max in love
yo and i bought glasses today...YO!

i love you.

and then david bought me two hyacinths and i was soooo happy. unnameable blisss sttyllleee.

awww »ï¼º¿ª!