get the beans with this
i know this is gross it will be cuter soon.
why be productive? because diligence has drained my mind. i have done so much that i liked today that i can't even think.

12:30

antoine's yummy penne and no dessert

12:35

nab a pineapple from the fruitboard

4:15

give fear a garbled-concise definition of civil society thanks to longman (this movement of information between gay professors is entirely new)
"it's like when the population has the ability...and mechanisms through which they can voice their opinion to the government"

5:30

finish off my CURF application in three drafts

5:35

drop it off at houston

5:40

have the bombay vegetarian platter and a glaceau vitamin-water. discuss career goals, of all things, with tony and lisa.

6:10

van pelt to pick up a book

6:30

bookstore where i see many books of interest but buy a magazine to sate growlings

6:50

back at kceh, realize i had to meet mark and lauren for french at 6

7:00

check e-mail disheartened, only to find the meeting's rescheduled for 7:10

7:10

back at van pelt. i am reheartened.

8:00

we dismantle and eat the pineapple

things get old. sometimes i can manipulate people just by being their friend. my skin's looking ashy. i bought a jane this afternoon. even if you don't like barnes and noble it's comfortable unless that kind of thing makes you uncomfortable, and they really cater to goodness. why not just go, look, then go buy the goods in some grimy, sickly-smelling used bookstore? because it's stupid? it is far better that i read a book than magazines. or is it? crunch. danah and andrea aplasca roomed together at all-state. one generation i am mos def'ly not part of and that is the generation...of...talent.
a poem i wrote for EWT in the may of 1998

mm, 28 hours since i've been wearing this red t-shirt and it's starting to come off on me vis-a-vis the clinique clarifying lotion 2 test. sonic youth: diamond sea and beach boys: wouldn't it be nice. anything?
how to make an american bed

the robin hood of change. like real change.
huh huh huh. i didn't have quarters for laundry because i've been giving them all out sem("sure you can give me 5 nickels for a quarter")ester and they're phasing out the chipcard which was folly from the foaloff. so i went to urban outfitters (haha, don't actually click here) where they were playing looper (i guess you could click here) and were selling shirts with the "up down up down left right left right" konami mantra. whew! that again. so i bought a red boys t shirt size m for $2.97. then i asked the boy to give me back change in quarters, which he did with a willing heart. it's a fruit-of-the-loom shirt that some dyester-shyster garment-dyed red and then charged a lot of money for at some point. comfy. zoo, as the hmong would say. also zoo, something which lawrence linked to just now which made me happy to find. it'll rock your socks! both mcsweeney's and lawrence's i'm sure.

small yawns of recall and reiteration: coincidences of style (yea even looper) aren't any more impressive that they're young and freshfaced. maybe the enthusiasm over them is. maybe youth and freshfacedness is, in general.

(not even) symploce
ruined film with incompetence, cello with disuse, jeans with depreciation, eyes with genetics, mouth with slow reflex, stereo with abuse, attitude with long car ride, body with indulgence and mind with ignorance. it hurts. reeawl bad. by now i am used to negative feedback. it's solely positive feedback that keeps me going. today we realized that all of our utterances are just the atavistic urge to be yup, hmong. completely and completely adrift.

me: ugly bruise on left side of mouth.
connie: reddish "black eye" and some mysterious rash.

the women of penn return, all pied beauty. anyway, still pretty - like marshmallow-arts-and-crafts. going back to penn tomorrow. sitting here NOT trying to pull my global's 11 overdue together, instead, the little online things i can do for school and glory. erg, metamental note: cnnkorea - summer job. typical night, dodging obligation and resorting to the path of least minimum resistance: the smoove-paved roads of poughkeepsie. bebel gilberto and high fidelity. no shockers there either. denouement.

my mouth hit by a frisbee thrown by kevin o' young which caused interior lacerations, exterior swelling. so i have a british smile (paulimb), will go out later tonight with this whole 'gang'! everyone looks the same except anand, who looks awesome. management didn't, couldn't help me sort out this mishmash of where/what/when to drink, however, not surprising, since i'm failing it and will get an "INC" on my transcript, not worried just yet - because i'm not letting myself. fingers so cold. this entire day i don't think i said more than a paragraph's worth of good-english-sentences: "hello; my name is fubu." two days ago lisa anand rhinebeck/eveready, yesterday albany w/ hanseul and turkey, my mom keeps baking this apricot ginger cake and i am fat.

charlie rose and the yale school of drama
billy elliott and the royal school of ballet
rabbi phunkiewicz and the new school of communication

cold, going to have a night.
* * *
i'm all nervous right now because of the night. everyone disappointed. so sleepy...

5/12 always my favorite fraction; did you imagine numbers in color?
1 = beige
2 = pale but warm canary yellow
3 = a faded orange
4 = vernal green but soft
5 = the dark side of red
6 = two jumps this side of indigo
7 = violet
8 = more of a mango
9 = glossy...something. the noble element among them.

kind of figured something out my yearning for intellectual community as purportedly fulfilled by joining the penn academic demolition team and by my desire to have big cocktail braintrust parties and making breakfasts and sock puppets for a gorgeous articulate husband and brighteyed velveteen children i'm looking to create my own bubble so i'll be safe when it's time to embark disembark into the real world. a visual? (it's so cold out it made me invincible, my iron lung), tomorrow home via arycksepta new york it's all so iluvleague! the healthy flush.

7/22 in my quest to reunify korea using only erudition and spartan pride

oui je t'aime-
et tout ceci
t'as jamais su
tout ce que j'ai dit

that's both terrible and minimally impossible, i know :^) just trying to rime and croisee and syllable. my reputation here for niceness. especially as i can't be bothered to be as terrible to people as i am remembering i can be and have been. [yet. i. hope.] plus the kc310 open door policy; "the perfect hostess" - in her sense. the wide berth of weirdness i grant to people, in deference to myself, inevitably makes me seem weird to a wide...berth. mm, recognizing myself in others, recognizing others in myself, feeling lazy and regretful about both.

have i started to sing more now that i don't play at all? more louder beautiful music in my head, so quiet humming and bopping around when i fill my glass at dinnertime. the lofty inimitable acoustics of hallways and stairways. sonique world. cocoa cafe. pavlovian response of our times is the baja men. the fundamental brightness of the yun family women (one park, one legit yun) in voice and glance but so very rarely in deed. we are so heartrent so suddenly. giddy like schoolgirls graceless hostesses. "plein d'espoir". and paranoia. veronica just brought over a tape of brahms piano trio (and it WORKED thank god in my ailing denon) and we are going to take over the world with our emo(ting!) how many nights have i not talked to anand online?

* * *dude! this needs outing. i mean...can i really afford to nod/smile/bite lip/talk nonsense/giggle into relative oblivion? into a cesspool of cute mute solitude? 2.5/3 people 2/2 past months.
if you think you know what i'm talking about, then you definitely do.
if you definitely know what i'm talking about, then it probably doesn't apply.
i know i understand it and i know i can't stop it any time soon. blauuuuu

1.4/22 in the whirling dervish dance (a.k.a. two rough korean drafts. yes. no. sake. soju. help...)
love that i can fall asleep at 12:30 to my roommate on the phone with her boy, and then wake up at 2:35 and she's still at it. except not pacing around the rug but huddled in bed with a secret smile. switching ears once so often so as to avoid hot cauliflowering potential. ah, aural sex once again. sweet! meanwhile i go to brush teef and come back with a renewed zeal to think about thinking about korea. and not much else. so.

40, 30, 20, 10?
how i feel right now. [quack quack, wua wua wua].

andrew i just woke up from having dreamt about you. everyone came back to somewhere for the hols; madame zimet aaron was using a projector to test us on our retention of the subjonctif. so i came down the steps and was all like "andrew! mio caro!" and, cross-armed you didn't want to hug me because you were cool and embarrassed and wanted to show off the subjonctif. possibly because i wasn't hot at all. dude. how likely IS that?! whoa. escuchame!

ahh! get your baby carrot out of my semicircular canal!!

my first forays into popular music: hum "stars" green apple quickstep "los vargos" tom petty "mary jane's last dance". today, covers of "baby one more time" are wrenchingly and acoustically good! no longer hung over even for pretend. ah korean church roots - teaching me to harmonize and love ballads. about jesus. and god. and ballads about jesus and god. critical reading. much better that i've cleaned my room and have 10 books in front of me. when this is all over i will sobe a korean ex-patriate.

"and oh yeah something else" -poe. today someone came and asked lisa and me for change, in the middle of the food court. yesterday night, a different guy walked with manoj and me for a good minute, telling us his story and also asking for any help we could give (before i got trashed. which you can't read about anymore. immature yes...) anyway, barring dave's "so i humped him" approach, or matt "oops- sorry man; i only have change" winn - what to do? thinking about whether we are lucky to be here (ben). isn't 'everyone' lucky to be in college to begin with? and then, we're extremely lucky in that we're kneedeep in conflicting realities. sundance isn't opening here. walnut is not going to become the new rodeo drive (aryck). is everyone lucky to be alive? don't even imagine the expression on my face! because there isn't one. i don't not have 22 pages of paper to write.

if drink, nervousness, and middling musicianship were my sins for last night then today it was wawa with lisa, extreme procrastination, unwitting bitchiness, and aural sex. not the ralph vaughn williams kind. "for future reference." carrot kisses OH give it to me davie. leg forcibly ticklishly indelibly tattooed. getting to work. armed with shoop, sukiyaki, i swear, and every travis song ever. working it. click on reference material and see how sturdily i am climbing out of my kabbala of crypticism. this blatant namedropping and rhetorical questioning is nothing.
* * *
the apologetic blindfolds again.

you hear the trio of girls in front of you in management (DOWN with LIEBERMANIA) say:
"i HAVE to see condoleeza, she rocks"
"i think i'm going to wear my pink cashmere skirt..."
choose your own adventure.

anyway i just woke up from having made myself sleep a lot. i feel hot and bothered but i have no excuses for the rest of the weekend. it's so important that by thanksgiving i can say that i'm doing well in school without lying. to whom? for whom? to whoever doesn't care but asks anyway. for my sinking sense of sloth. i just don't want to be everyone who shrugs and says "it's really hard, but i'm getting used to it". rather, "yeah, these papers i wrote are going into the journal of IR and i'm a really nice person, too." stupid bitchery.
* * *
everyone's at upmunc this weekend, but coming back to pick up things, drop off things, go to classes. the survivors among us heard some gossip about ISB '01 people...losing virginity to pre-froshes on huntsman day, coke scales, we seem hella tame in comparison. not even brilliant, to compensate! we're just cleancut kids with lagging work ethics. but still we. i have 22 pages to write by tuesday/wednesday. a cute hooded sweatshirt to buy. a recital to bum through (but with champagne and cheese party afterwards). so, ennervated. going to liberry when my legs start working again.
* * *
internally bruised and i miss intensity and highminded love. agape but i don't have a face for intensity anymore. especially when it's all your little words...

score in the raw
FIRO-B = 21
status report = 90
karen leary memo = 80
leadership analysis = 737 words/possible 500
2 history papers = B+
finance midterm = 54.5/possible 110
schubert rosamunde = friday 17th
days til i go home = 8ish
minutes i wore my hair up before i got dizzy = 46
princeton vs. penn in quiz bowl = 485 to 10
number of times i let myself down = omg
price of turkey sandwich and blueberry yogurt = $5.03 (dining dollars)
length of program at sciences-po = one school year
number of lit lamps in my room = 4
times i will brush my teeth tonight = 2
wash face? = uh.

my new quest to be affective. and i can't even change my style of writing OR speaking. i'm so paralyzed. eep.

livin' in the meantime la la laaa...

lisa!
anand!
ben!
lawrence!
andrew!
kyle!

someone at princeton (colonial) rifled thru my pockets, took both cigarettes and lighter, and left in exchange a guest pass to cottage

i just bestowed a blog but actually a scribble on lisa and she is so impatient and happy and a web virgin. everyone go there. she's the

wow. bush beat gore by 4 votes in one of those states. new mexico.

she's the shit! and the first person i will matchmake in the upcoming holiday season. to someone whom i already have in mind...teeheehee. she's already one step closer to him!

whew back, it's later. can i do this scientifically?

i'm happy. smoky. not quite ready to face the world still. but. writing a lot. it's not cathartic at all, you english 11 veterans. any words that the world had to teach you is not enough. no amount of cultural allusion either. it's not cathartic, to de-tangentialize, to focus, to walt whitman. it's the entirely human need to...eep. i'll escape easily before the ...da. so go to lisa's page okay?!?!?

we sat SO in front of a computer all night. with all i've said, i hope this will be the last entry for awhile.

i deleted a 6 o' clock post in calmness and unblinking embarrassment. so people won't worry. yes-teary-day. but! there are people and then there are keyboards and then there are windows. unemotionally the takeaways of the day? i feel totally unlashed. let's do it quotingly i guess. what can i dredge up so i can mystify verbatim recall-friendly hearing the sounds. this is interlocuting. i don't care how scathingly eyes will travel over this.

"let's be really creative; let's do half james bond, half x-men!"
"generally, when i met people like you, i'm not friends with them"
"joanne, as per writing evaluator's recommendation, please expect to attend a writing seminar in the spring. seminar will be incredibly useful to you, i hope"
"eh. i'll just eat ice cream"
"it's not corrupted if i have a sad-eyed sell out but still integrity-filled soul"
"it's a fine line to walk/and i don't think it'd be too pleasant"
"except maybe straight path to cubicles and chrome windows"

jean seberg joan of arc. "n'then one day it happened. one day she cut 'er hair and i stopped loviner."

more pictures! i'm at status right now...taking a break.
a roight umble abode it is
MANoj!
rob at mystic

but at the same time inevitable sense that one generation has passed. the sixth age.
oh yeah! fin-de-siecle - how could i forget. hey you.
literacy is one thing but start loving.

an early night i hope i pray. election night okay but "since i'm a good person, it doesn't matter who the leader of the free world is". instead tonight: une seule fille and status report. something again the idea of golden ages.

hemingway and cafe culture. ancient greece. french enlightenment. la boheme. renaissance. harlem renaissance. silicon valley. the factory.

the way i enchant you has developed over years of talking to myself.

cariad

oh but welsh is a beautiful language!!

memorable blast from the past as i was playing poulenc in orchestra: "oh! well, i mean - you seem like the kind of girl who has a boyfriend." poulenc. sigh. i love that ricardo translates the french directives in the score into italian. so that we can understand them better. standpartner hi-jinx: how pesante and phlegmy name is bartok. roumanian dances also nice. come on in the music's fine! but boy do i hate orchestra.

"i want to go to a school i can have some pride in"
true but doesn't it suffice to have pride in yourself?

phoenix - on fire --> superrelax even while writing this incredible paper. i want the beautiful boy to come by my room when i'm playing it, duck his tall doe-eyed goofily backpacked haircut needing self on into my doorway (because he needs narrators for his new animal documentary. swoon) and say "i too love phoenix!" he could turn on the accent for that. i have no idea what i would say. but you know...later that night, in france. because he IS phoenix. "sweet oh ma hero ma cute thing" "this is how i'm gonna prove ma love" "all right all right all right"

but of course talking to my mom ROCKS:
"why don't you study in the law library? or the medical school library? that way you can meet someone nice."
"i'm not allowed in the law library, and i don't even know where the med library is!"
smoove groove. hennessy the 24th.

getting back to that autumnal party on the deck. a weezer covering, strawberry butter + pineapple milkshake consuming, PJ Kim-ing, glow in the dark frisbee tossing, indie-film watching, fruit barbecuing, smoothie drinking, sticker making, calpinhirasing (i forget what that means, even), group hugging, quartet enjoying, school applying, tummy laying, matchmaking good time. with everyone+. jumpin jumpin.

nothing like losing a 23- page chunk of paper to make you respect! ALWAYS restart. shite's lurking in temp folders you don't even know about.

i can't believe orientate is a word. i'm so sorry! transitive, intransitive. conversate still isn't. also sorry for myself that my decision-making processes are so bad and uncoordinated or unsynchronized as they should be. always compensating for things two steps late, it's a laggard's game. and EW asceticism - only sexy in other people. in yourself it's putain all the way.

so, OPIM 402 it is! teehee...still might talk to all these people with good names about schedule: jamshed, suyash, raina, about things. and "joanna young". si si. creepy good. discussion about compartmentalization of friends w/ tony. how can you best impact your friends: by withdrawing or fronting? and isn't laissez-faire always so temptingly easy? i think we classified right away:
confidante
goofy fun
intellectual [yahokay]
cultural
booty [seasonal]
miscellaneous. :^)

you can only agree with people so much. perversity argh.

i'm so mad. i want to be at the zeta rave right now, catherine's sing friend is DJing. but stupid french movie. stupid choice. and no one who's left wants to go anymore. because they have issues. and zeta being the yuppie cokehead frat, and me being in jeans and PJ top and flipflops, it seems a little too sisyphusian right now. and whatever. once again a paper to be written this weekend, anyway, i have to slough through mad legal reviews to r'emmerde myself. damn damn damn. earlier tonight though...we went into town for first friday which was really cute, tofu sandwiches, yeah, girls, yeah (but i could've been watching the french movie, thus enabling me to be right now at the ra...oh n/m) - earlier than that we got back to our roots at origins chez douglas. i EVEN bought "rock star hair colour". ohhhhhhh i am sad and frustrated. maybe.
***
(3:15) ew i hate that upenn raves are dance parties! just frustrated, now. :^)

ah. once again, not working. i don't learn lessons easily; or at least i learn them and don't follothru. that great divide of body/mind. doing this leadership analysis management is, as i knew it would be, revelatory in that i'm writing about myself in microsoft word and handing it in. another grand gesture worthy of twyla tharp of course. this assignment - a combination of like the keirsey personality test (mentor, advocate, woheva) and just the freeflow of 2:30 and how i work in this group of actual peers.

everything is entrenched in very high-context significance right now. "long stories" all 'round. i rediscovered that site i used to love. and oh hit me again. dang one more for bjork. it helps me think to see other people thinking (duh). i'm failing all my classes. seriously, now (duh squared!). i don't know if my schedule next semester is wise (whoa.) like, where's printmaking!? if i take it, it'll be a 7th class. but maybe (if 5-8 on thursdays), kind of like a club? or...i don't know (x100) and that'll suffice for now.

today was just a day of incredibly highs, incredible lows. i predict myself in that. there are stages. isolation craving and dependence on text or gesture (ivory tower 1). euphoric and heartrending joy in the details of the world (american beauty 2). and smiling. i call the shots. then i shoot the shots! i was nearly manic after talking to my WATU fellow. then in a funk at mgmt sessions 1 1/2. beautiful boy check. woolgathering. prophylactics. pb and j. this could all be so easy.